Important facts to know about Jon Haverkamp:
- There is no 'ctrl' button on Jon's computer. Jon is always in control
- When Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night hechecks under his bed for Jon
- Jon has followed your asymptote down to zero. Twice
- Underneath Jon's mustache there is another mustache. Beneath that mustache is your death
- Jon has already been to Mars. That is why there are no signs of life
- If you can hear Jon's mandolin, Jon can hear you. If you can't hear Jon's mandolin you may only been seconds away from death
- Jon's tears hold the cure to AIDS. Too bad Jon has never cried
- Jon once marketed his own line of toilet paper but it wouldn't take shit from anybody
- Jon sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jon roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- Jon wears his triatholon speedo at every show. Just in case
